To those who are married, .. Not married .. and
soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...


MARRIAGE



When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and
said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.



Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.



She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
why?



I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't
talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory
answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just
pitied her!



With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.



She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent
ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of
me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a
kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.



The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something
at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell
asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.



When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not
care so I turned over and was asleep again.



In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want
anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage.



This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to
recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.



She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of
our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going
crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd
request.



I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce, she said scornfully..



My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy
in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to
the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in
my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about
the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the
office.



On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.



On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy
returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.




On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was
growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry
her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger.



She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few
dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.



Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her
heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.



Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I
might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms,
walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly;
it was just like our wedding day.



But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held
her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I
held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked
intimacy.



I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked
upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore.



She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have
a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I
won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I
didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each
other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on
our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.



Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.



At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my
wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and
wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.



That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I
run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.



The small details of your lives are what really matter in a
relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the
bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot
give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend
and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a
real happy marriage!



If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.



If you do, you just might save a marriage.





Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they
were to success when they gave up.

When its summer, my insomnia kicks really HARD! I seriously have this sleeping disorder during summer and the heck it makes me feel TIRED all day. For these past few nights the earliest time was 12am!

MATAKU.

it's Niko's fault. Somehow making me adjust to his timezone. ( He's actually not doing anything, its just me, actually XD ) I LOVE YOU BABY!

anyways, this thing needs to stop but i can't find a way to do so. THE HELL FOR MAKING OUR TIMEZONES the total OPPOSITE! ( wow, im now complaining and blaming the timezones for all my shit... HAHAHA! )

How can some character in an anime be so ATTRACTIVE? is that even sooo legal? CHIAKI SHINICHI. The cool voice, cool personality, the great taste in music, the ear for it... DREAMY MAN, too bad he's just an anime character. ( baby, if you're reading this, forgive me i am just so random today :] )

I sooo LOVE this new book i finished just last night. I started last night and i finished LAST NIGHT! Can you buh-lieve that?! I am soooo HYPED UP for someone who easily gets tired. I'm really sure my BF has something to do with this... I guess my body trying to keep up with his... ( what the HELL is wrong with my body, i know he is the one but don't do anything reckless for the both of us. We are not VAmPS! )

and its annoying when you are sooo horny during the night. hahaha. whats up with that, i dont know why but my hormones kick HIGH on night times. Whaddup with that?! HAHAH! well my boyfriend enjoys it, thats all I want :"]

ayyyyeeeee. I am left alone. My mom going out with gramz and sis to their lot. doing some check - ups. thats pretty cool..,

Being alone in the house was only enjoyable when the boyfriend is around. I like it when he's with me coz he enjoys every temperament that i have. ( LUCKY )
Though he seriously likes to tease me with almost EVERYTHING. and what's worse? i cant seem to find the right attitude to make it to him ( PAYBACK! ) he enjoys every move i make.., ( what type of guy is that?! ) its an adorable yet annoying thing when he knows you soooo damn WELL.

Well Those are one of the many reasons why i love HIM♥_♥

BIG LOVE ♥ to that guy :]

hmmm.. its been a while since i last blogged about my life and to be particular right now im so random that im making one. IM BORED. ain't that obvious? HAHAHA. oh well when its summer and you got nothing to do, BOREDOM pops out. im gonna be random so bear with me ^_^

the last time i blogged was about this ENVY that i feel towards this girl. hmm, nothings really changed im somehow still insecure with her, having to be around my long distance boyfriend. ( yep, if you're new, i have a long distance BF, hold your prejudices, stop reading if you wish to judge me about that ) oh well thats how hard it is to not hold off girls who excessively continue to express their feelings over someone who is already taken.

I am currently ADDICTED to PLANTS VS ZOMBIES. hahaha. its so fun i swear, you get to see cute plants that kill ZOMBIES that keep on saying "brains.....brains...." its so awesome. plus their is this song that plays whenever you finish the game and it goes : " there's a zombie on your lawn 3x / we don't want zombies on our lawn " OMG! its sooo cute! :] awhile ago i downloaded the song coz i really liked it and i found out that theres actually more ring tones for it and im like "oh yeah" if you get to hold my phone and be able to browse it and hear the alert tones you be like " you are craaazy. " after seeing and hearing too much PvsZ in it XD

I seriously want the LG lollipop ( and i just found out that the song "lollipop" of 2ne1 was for this phone while browsing for the specs ). its soo awesome and cute and girly and so JAPANESE ( even though it came from korea ). it's like the typical phone you see on anime's and jdrama's and i gotta have it. never have i been itching for a phone like this. its so damn CUTE! Im planning on asking for it on my 18th birthday which is coming ( OMG! so excited ). how i wish my mom would consider it coz i really truly WANT IT!

I have been itching for the last book of the Percy Jackson and The Olympians series. yes, its a book for 9 - 12 years old but you can't blame someone like me for IGNORANCE when i really adore the greek mythology. its like
GREEK MYTHOLOGY + MODERN SETTINGS = SUPER AWESOME!
its too bad im still waiting for the new stocks to arrive. apparently, the last book, The Last Olympian, was already sold out 3 days later its stocks arrived. i am damn too late. EPIC FAIL. :[

1 terabyte is 1000 gig. WOW. i seriously want to have a hard disk that has 1000gig! i can't even find a way to fill that up even after downloading soo many anime's and jdrama's and movies! It's one of my birthday wish list. I SURE HOPE SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME THAT. i wouldn't have to worry about buying blank dvd's to burn my movie files into.

why can't i find the usual text editor in xanga weblog entry.... i cant emphasize my thoughts well without the use of bold and italicized and underlined words... RAWR.

FTW! my sis is now asleep. awhile ago i was waiting for her to get off the comp so i can use it but then she's so busy with the ZOMBIE MASSACRE. i waited and finally she started cleaning her bed ( which was a mess and mom was like, " how do you think, you'll sleep with that pile of mess on your bed? " ) and she got off and i got on and she couldn't redeem her COMPUTER THRONE ergo... OVERTHROWN!

im waiting for my download to finish. " Nodame Cantabile ~ Finale " I am so excited to watch it. Chiaki senpai is soo cute ( i know he's an anime character but WHO CARES?! HE IS AWESOME! ) i want to be into it more since
MUSIC + ROMANCE = LOVE IT!♥


im loosing the mood to type this since i can't color my texts.... FAIL >< i finally find it. HOW COME IT DOESN'T WORK ON GOOGLE CHROME??? eerrrr!
 

FIN.
                                      
P.s. You'll actually be hearing more of me from now on ^ __ ^ ( ain't that AWESOME! )

go to this site:

http://www.formspring.me/PaulaChelley12

so go ahead and ask :]

                                                
Past (January 2, 2010)
It was one of those night when we were at the hospital and waiting for him to snap back to consciousness as he was now in a coma. Neither one of the family felt such a thing or a signal that it would be his time so we went on believing he would open his eyes once more. I was with my cuz when we decided to watch our Tatay (granpa) through the ICU window. we stood there for a while watching the machine beeping as it monitors his bodily movements and reactions. my older cuz Jed was inside on his bedside watching him and trying to talk him out of his unconsciousness. we believed that he could hear us. we know he could hear us. as my cuz kept talking to him and me and Jethro were watching outside, we noticed our cuz crying already as he held on to my Tatay's non responsive hand. he held it in both of his hand, talking to him, trying to reach him. Watching such scene is very painful. It was hard despite having to believe that he would still be coming back, a part of us was telling us to be ready to let go. I, for one, shoved that thought away. He's too young, he's only 82 years old and a few more days he'll be 83. A lil more our dear tatay. We wanted him to hold on so much to come back to us... i leaned on the window glass only to notice such wetness in his closed eyes. it was pooling there and it occurred to me as if he was crying. My heart skipped a beat but it was also choking. I called Jethro's attention and showed him what i saw. He interpreted it the way i did. Our Tatay was in tears. we knocked on the glass to get Jed's attention and pointed to him our Tatay's already wet closed eyes. he wiped Tatay's eyes and started talking to him, louder and with more emotions as we could see his fogged eye glasses. We also helped by knocking gently and aimlessly on the glass window. We wanted him to open his eyes, we want to be able to deliver the message to our family that he would be okay but instead it just continued to pool. Tears wont stop from falling as we witness this scene. our hearts were on the verge of collapsing from too much crying but we wanted to hold on. we wanted to believe that he would still open his eyes any minute now. But despite seeing such reaction from our Tatay's face it wasn't happiness but rather it was somehow agony that washed through us. we somehow felt his plea but we don't know what he wants. We dont know if something was hurting him, if something was bothering him. Maybe he was having  nightmare..or worse, it was a message telling him that it was time. we shoved every thought that lead us to such ending. I kept on believing that he would open his eyes once more and all will be well for all of us. He would be able to walk out of this hospital as healthy as he was before, but watching his tear-streaked face sent different tribulations to my body. I hated myself for thinking that it might be time, but it was evident in me. How my body sensations sent every specific feeling towards me, even as i scanned my mp3 player, songs of saying good bye had lined up and played as i press the next button frantically. it was on random, i never had a playlist. I leaned on the window once again and never stopped crying. I couldnt compose myself.Such scene was too much for me to handle... My cuz Jethro pulled me out of the watching room and guided me to my family as i struggled to compose myself. As the image of him was now concealed behind those four-walls i gathered my strength and let out soft sobs. Coming out of the watchers lounge door, our family stood there and saw me and my cuz's tear-streaked faces and unending sobs. I didnt want them to see me cry this much but i couldn't compose myself anymore. My mom approached me and asked me what happened, i couldnt say anything so my cuz let out the words "Tatay is crying." then i felt that rope that i was holding on to give way. i broke and my tears fell once again and i couldn't control it. My mom hugged me and the final strings i put on myself cut in an instant as i collapse in her arms with almost never ending tears.  my aunt held on to my arms as i gave up on trying to compose myself. she kept on telling me that tatay would once again open his eyes but not a single sound escaped my mouth. she just hugged me tight.. tighter that it almost hurt but i didnt care, i knew i needed that type of grip... i needed something to get a hold of myself....

In those moments i let the pain wash all over me and take me.I let it all out as i cried as images of him flashed back in my mind. He was going then, he's leaving... I let it all get to me since i couldnt find anything to hold on to anymore...

Present NOW

As i look back into those moments i felt like crying once again. I heard the biological explanation of his tears. It wasn't tears that came out because of such emotions but it some some glands giving away and losing control thats why it seemed like he was crying... at first i believed that but in my heart at that time the tears says it all. it seemed to me like tatay wanted another go, one last chance to say farewell or see you again but somewhere so distant HE was told that it is his time.. i accept this now but how i wished i knew that it was all it meant. i would've told him it would be okay. that we will be alright but i dont think so anymore. Tatay is a man full of wisdom, he knew it was his time to go... He knew HIS time well.  It wasn't tears of agony but rather it was of joy... that finally he rests is peace with the LORD...

 

yep.im back to my old routine of just sitting in front of the computer and waiting for him to get on.i cant wake him up anymore. his phone is gone. taken away by his father because for all these times that we've been talking, he's been charged by the minute. i cant imagine how things turned out this way. its so hard that i cant talk to him like before. its like after we progressed so much with our communication we fell down into a mine that lead us back to start. the usual sound of his voice that i cant hear anymore. that funny memory that whenever he laughs, i laugh too. how it makes me feel like he's beside me and holding me whenever i hear him breathe on his phone. the sensation i feel whenever he flirts with me. its so hard not being able to hear his voice like i used to. to not greet him "Good Morning Hubby" and bid him  "Goodnight My Love" i feel so freaking far from him. the distance that was once a nightmare for me to feel now is in front of me. surrounding me. i was watching New Moon when i got his message today. telling me that he cant call me anymore. that his dad threw away his cell. it was also the part when Edward bid good bye to Bella. i couldn't swallow the timing of things happening to me as a viewer and as the one in that specific scene where you and your lover faces a very difficult situation. tears fell from my eyes and i was lucky to have the lights put off so that my sister cant see my tear streaked face. i tried to hide the tightening of my chest. it was getting harder for me to breathe as my fingers raced to type faster and send him a reply. i tried to compose myself in the public. pain washed thru me. the sound of his voice that made me look forward on my each day... was slowly fading to a distant horizon thats beyond my reach.

evn now as im typing i wipe the tears thats coming out of my eyes. and how i wish i could just wake him up like i used to. its almost 6am on his time and i usually wake him up during this time. now, all i do is just stare at my computer, waiting for that aim chat box to pop up and tell me he is there on the other side of the world sitting on his computer chair typing the words he meant to say to me. "i miss you baby.......I love you"   

it makes no sense reading such comment from someone who is not even aware of what he/she is doing...

so... MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS PLEASE

you have no right to say such things about someone you thought you know.. tho your opinions are opinions... i dont care.. if you got nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all... freakin meddlers.... you think that the world revolves around you... but oh well thats your world... not mine.. hahaha i dont care.

also... I DON'T LISTEN TO STRANGERS :]]

its been a while since i last made a blog i dont know why but things that happen right now in my life doesnt always have to be blogged about but anyways this week has the common thing that got my mind somehow preoccupied coz it has always kept me thinking...

i've been with my boyfriend for a year and 4 months now and take note we are in a long distance relationship. we keep things to ourselves alot since we only get to communicate thru chatting or video calls or calling thru phone.. and somehow as things start to get really deeper even tho we have already committed fully to this relationship of ours that we will make it together forever, i have this little urge to tell my mom about whats happening with her daughters "love Story" im sure she would really want to know about it coz she wants me to focus on my schooling but the thing is i dont want to hide things from her anymore.. dads been doing everything by himself now and its like we are not his family anymore.. hes always out traveling and when he's around the house its either he is on the comp or watching t.v... he doesnt eat with anymore.. he cooks his own food.. its like you have this stranger you call "dad".. its hard.. really hard and he's been keeping everything from us we dont know what he is up to lately just comes home and leaves... its really different...

now here comes the story of my life.. in love and dating a guy whose half way across the world from me but hey i would never give him up... alot of people ask and say how sure am i with him that he wont cheat? you dont even know him for real. he could be a cheater. he could be this and that but hey.. SHUT UP! this is my love story and im not gonna let you ruin it for me. i've worked.. well we've worked so hard to keep our relationship strong and my answer to those doubts they give me... i love him he loves me whoever he is and whoever will i be in person.. i/he would still accept me/him no matter what... jeezz... i love him for crying out loud...

i wanted to tell my mom about this battle that im going through with myself how a part of me is hurting and wants to let go and not have hope.. BUT a dominant part of me says DONT GIVE UP... IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT! and i trust the positive outlook of it... im sick of being pessimistic all the time.. this time i should stand for what i believe in and in what i LOVE... i wanted to tell my mom about all of this things but theres a thing thats holding me back so much... FEAR... i wouldnt want it if she would go berserk about what im into.. i know she loves me and she wants whats best for me... but i know whats best for me and i know it deep inside me.. HE IS THE ONE... i may not be able to see him in person but in my heart i always feel his presence.. call it cheesy or corny but its true.. it is what i really feel... and i want my mom to have knowledge about the battles im into.. but shes too busy minding dads business and running our family.. i dont want to give her another burden to carry and its not in my intentions to give him pain when i tell her about my love... I JUST WANT HER TO KNOW... but she has alot inher mind right now.. i dont want to push it...

its always hard when she catches me talking to him and she asks if im talking to someone and i say no sometimes and say yes but im talking to one of my close friends she knows... and there comes a time when she asks me directly if i have a boyfriend but i have no choice but to deny.. i dont want to fight yet... and i dont want to lose him.. i cant bear that... i just wish that she would be open minded about the whole idea of me having a bf...it wouldnt be much of a prob to her.. he's in US im in the Phils. if shes afraid im gonna lose my virginity.. it would be the day after i say "I do" to him.... he respects my virtues and everything about me... and he completes me... i want to be able to relay this to my mom in a way like im telling her a nice story of my love life... it may sound foolish having a 17 year old girl talk about such deep emotions towards a guy whose half way across the world from her.. but hey those are real feelings... true feelings that comes from the heart... and i want to open up my heart to my mom without fear that she wont tear it apart from me... she is still my mom and i deserve to be lectured at times but I KNOW WHEN ITS MY TIME TO MAKE SUCH DECISIONS..... and that i dont need them to make it for me anymore...